who's the mommy around here anyway?

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Heartbreak

Whe it rains it pours. Lizzie lost her job, and then a few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her. This was her first adult relationship, her first love. She's devastated. I went to visit her in the college town where she lives, a few hours away. She's hovering somewhere between hurt and anger. I took her to the mall and bought her a new pocketbook and a new lipstick, and a few other minor things, then took her out to dinner before taking her home. We talked about life, hugged, held hands and laughed some. She became sad before I left, admitting that the worst times were when the night came. Everything's always worst after dark and that's when I had to leave her.

I remember my first love. I was twenty, and it ended abruptly, tearing my heart into tiny, little irretrievable pieces, much like it had gone through a paper shredder. It was a long time till I felt whole again. Looking back, I gained this perspective. You enter your first serious love affair with an open and unguarded heart. You expect the best of your lover, and never expect to be hurt. Then, when and if it ends badly, the hurt is endless. After you recover, you're capable of building a wall around your emotions. Not an impenetrable, unscalable wall, but a wall that protects you from the kind of hurt that will bring you prostrate once again. You now know how to guard yourself, and though you can be hurt, you can never, ever be hurt to the same depth again. I tried explaining that to Liz, but I realize that this might just be my own take on things, and Liz, who's so much more open, whose feelings are so much more 'out there' than my own ever were, might never learn to guard herself and might always be capable of falling victim to the same kind of excruciatingly deep hurt. I hope not.

Liz and ex-beau live in close proximity. He's supposed to be moving away soon, but I suggested that she needs to be prepared for certain possibilities, such as him not moving away, or him finding another girlfriend. I asked her what she'd do if he turned up with another girl, and her response involved violence and possible jail time. I pleaded with her not to do anything that would involve me having to post bail. We just left things at that.

Oh the heartbreak you take on when you decide to bear children. Contemplating motherhood, I didn't get past imagining how good it would feel to hold the tiny body of my baby in my arms as I sat in the pristine white rocking chair my own mother had purchased for me. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have taken the same course, but maybe I'd have been better prepared to handle my child's pain. I'd at least have stockpiled the phone numbers of some good therapists.

14 Comments:

  • I love you mom.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:06 PM  

  • You are a very special mom and your love for your daughter shines through.

    Two very lucky people have just been feauyred here in this story. Thank you for sharing the time you spent with her with us.

    By Blogger Ms. Vickie, at 3:54 PM  

  • I am sorry about your daughter. My daughter just went through the exact same break up, first adult love, ect. Its been hard, every day has been. I just hope that it will get easier for her. I know that it will, however she doesnt feel that way yet.

    Your posts are always just what I needed. Your writing is so eloquent. I wish I had the brain cells to get my feelings expressed right now. When it rains, it pours, doesnt it?

    By Anonymous Heather, at 4:08 PM  

  • Oh, poor Lizzie --- She won't see it now, but this is just one of the loves she will have in her life. My oldest grandson went "steady" for four years in high school with the same cute girl. They went away to the same college, same dorm, different floors and two weeks later ---she dumped him for his roommate. He was the picture of misery, but has found other great girls now that he works for a govenor in Washington. I wish your Lizzie were closer to home and the contact with you and the support you have for her.

    By Blogger Kacey, at 4:20 PM  

  • When it rains it does pour but the sun does come out.
    Its doesn't matter if its the first relationship of the third if there was true love it will hurt.
    Take from someone who knows.
    My first love lasted 17 years and man was I happy it was over.
    You are a good mother to be there to support her when she needs you and willing to post possible bail.
    She is young and will find someine to make her smile again

    By Blogger Walker, at 4:42 PM  

  • Hi Molly,
    I suspect most of us have been through a hurt like that. I can remember a breakup where I lost 10 or 15 pounds in a couple of weeks from lack of appetite. Time, I think, is often the best healer. If it might help, tell Lizzie she is welcome to send a question my way. It certainly does sound like a "Dismaying Story" ... literally.

    And I agree, your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you.

    Also, I wanted to thank you for your very supportive comment over at my site. I'm glad you're enjoying it. (...maybe you would even consider adding me to your list of links so your readers can find their way as well? I promise I'll leave the porch light on for them :o)

    All the best!
    Andrew

    By Blogger Andrew, at 7:58 PM  

  • I'm so sorry for Lizzie. I know how badly it canhurt, and on top of her losing her job earlier, too. I know that she's angry enough to contemplate grievous bodily harm on anyone she sees her now-ex with, but tell her that he's just not worth it. I know she really cared for him, but it sounds like he was sort of planning this, and if that's the case, then he was NOT the One. There is someone out there for her, but she can't meet him if she's in jail.

    Lizzie, things do get better, I promise. I was once so depressed because I kept getting dumped. I spent months and months sad because I was alone. Then, one day, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to search anymore. I decided to try and be happy with me, and three days later, I met my husband. I can only hope that your road is short and much less pain-filled than mine was, but I can promise that that one person is out there. And he's looking for you, too.

    By Blogger KLee, at 8:13 PM  

  • Liz, listen to mom. She knows best. Read and listen to the experience of others, it's all apart of growning up. It hurts. It going to hurt. Get involved in your college. Find something there you really love doing and put your heart and sole into it. (But don't forget why your there, do your work, get your education) do something to help someone, it well make you feel better, and don't dwell on the past, that's only one of lifes first experiences. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go foreward and make this year one of the best years of your life. There are so many different people you will meet along the way, some you'll like, some you won't. Don't ever let anyone in this world hold you back or destroy your dreams (remember there only people like you and me). Go foreward, and hold your head high.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:55 PM  

  • To everyone who replied to my mom's entry, thankyou.

    By Blogger Lizzie, at 1:06 PM  

  • Awww. You are such a good mom!!

    Your daughter's right. The nights are the hardest. And I was much like your daughter....I opened up my heart fully and completely every time and always got hurt badly.

    But, in the end, I found my Prince Charming and he loved me for that open-heartedness. It's who I am and what makes me special.

    So, cherish that part of her and even though it might mean some more heartbreaks, it'll be worth it in the end for her to stay true to herself (and it shows how brave she is, too!)

    By Blogger ablondeblogger, at 9:58 AM  

  • Thanks everyone. Lizzie appreciates all your kind words. She's keeping busy, has a new job as a waitress, and is waiting for school to start. She's still crying a lot and hoping the boy changes his mind.

    By Blogger molly, at 3:48 PM  

  • Even if he does change his mind, it wont be the same. We're looking for two different things, we'll i'm looking. Even though we're supposed to be friends, it doesn't feel like we are. It feels like we're acquaintences. It hurts sometimes. I just miss him.

    By Blogger Lizzie, at 5:15 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Lizzie, at 5:16 PM  

  • When I think back, I can still remember how much it HURT when I ended a relationship...or he did. It is one of the worst feelings in the world! I also remember some of the jerks I dated and realize now, why my parents didn't like them. She'll find a star out there who will treat her right!

    By Anonymous baseballmom, at 1:03 AM  

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