Heartbreak

Whe it rains it pours. Lizzie lost her job, and then a few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her. This was her first adult relationship, her first love. She's devastated. I went to visit her in the college town where she lives, a few hours away. She's hovering somewhere between hurt and anger. I took her to the mall and bought her a new pocketbook and a new lipstick, and a few other minor things, then took her out to dinner before taking her home. We talked about life, hugged, held hands and laughed some. She became sad before I left, admitting that the worst times were when the night came. Everything's always worst after dark and that's when I had to leave her.

I remember my first love. I was twenty, and it ended abruptly, tearing my heart into tiny, little irretrievable pieces, much like it had gone through a paper shredder. It was a long time till I felt whole again. Looking back, I gained this perspective. You enter your first serious love affair with an open and unguarded heart. You expect the best of your lover, and never expect to be hurt. Then, when and if it ends badly, the hurt is endless. After you recover, you're capable of building a wall around your emotions. Not an impenetrable, unscalable wall, but a wall that protects you from the kind of hurt that will bring you prostrate once again. You now know how to guard yourself, and though you can be hurt, you can never, ever be hurt to the same depth again. I tried explaining that to Liz, but I realize that this might just be my own take on things, and Liz, who's so much more open, whose feelings are so much more 'out there' than my own ever were, might never learn to guard herself and might always be capable of falling victim to the same kind of excruciatingly deep hurt. I hope not.

Liz and ex-beau live in close proximity. He's supposed to be moving away soon, but I suggested that she needs to be prepared for certain possibilities, such as him not moving away, or him finding another girlfriend. I asked her what she'd do if he turned up with another girl, and her response involved violence and possible jail time. I pleaded with her not to do anything that would involve me having to post bail. We just left things at that.

Oh the heartbreak you take on when you decide to bear children. Contemplating motherhood, I didn't get past imagining how good it would feel to hold the tiny body of my baby in my arms as I sat in the pristine white rocking chair my own mother had purchased for me. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have taken the same course, but maybe I'd have been better prepared to handle my child's pain. I'd at least have stockpiled the phone numbers of some good therapists.