who's the mommy around here anyway?

Monday, August 21, 2006

Domestic Dysfunction

My husband and I have been nominated for induction into the Domestically Dysfunctional Hall of Fame. To celebrate this event, I’ve written a little poem:

Your house is a mess,
The neighbors protest!

Your lawn’s out of shape
They stare, point and gape.

Your garage needs a cleaning,
Take a look, get our meaning!

Elected to the Hall of Shame,
Your names they will proclaim!


We’ve spent 21 years working hard to earn this honor. We’ve been nominated in a number of categories.

Household Appliances
Husband has been nominated in the category of household appliances, specifically for his lack of knowledge that we have any. He doesn’t know that we have a dishwasher, as evidenced by the dirty dishes, cups, glasses, silverware, etc., I keep finding in the sink after he uses them. The dishwasher is located right next to the kitchen sink, a standard arrangement as far as I can tell, but he still hasn’t found it, and we’ve lived in this particular house for 19 years. He couldn’t find the dishwasher in our last home either. It was in the same place, right next to the kitchen sink. Maybe I should have it moved so it would be easier for him to spot.
I’d say that he also cannot find the washing machine, but I know this to be untrue. It’s right next to his brand new gas-powered boiler. What he cannot find is the button that turns the washing machine on. Or maybe he cannot find the laundry detergent. Or maybe he cannot find the fabric softener. Or maybe he cannot find the bleach. Or maybe he cannot find any of his dirty clothes that he threw in the dirty clothes hamper!!! I know you're thinking that I should be glad he's at least not throwing his dirty clothes on the floor, and you're right, but all-in-all, wouldn't you agree that this is a well-deserved nomination?

Culinary Arts
I have been nominated for my contributions to the culinary arts. For years my contributions in this area consisted of, but were not necessarily limited to, speed-dialing every restaurant in a 5 mile radius of our home (sometimes I went out of my way and dialed long distance). There are many, many restaurants near my home. We have Chinese restaurants, Italian restaurants, Mexican restaurants, Jewish delicatessens, seafood restaurants, steakhouses and diners, all within delivery distance. For years I was able to feed my family on ‘Dial-Up’ and without dirtying a single pot. I never told husband, however. To this day not only does he think I make a mean Arroz con Pollo, but he’d be willing to bet that my Veal Marsala compares with that of some of the finest Italian restaurants around. And he’d be right.

Horticulture
This nomination came as a result of considerable effort. We have many lovely plants in our home, all of them silk. That’s because I’ve managed to kill all the live ones, including the plants that are practically kill-proof, like cactus and lucky bamboo and chia pets. My black thumb has become a point of pride for me. Anytime my husband’s been ill and hospitalized, and unfortunately those times have been plenty, I just wait for the get well plants to come rolling in. Husband and the kids make bets on just how long it will take till the leaves start to wither and turn brown, and I try to hide the dead carcass on the back patio. My greatest success so far has been the dead indoor tree. I babied it and nursed it until it gave up its last leaf. Now it sits with its bare, dead branches in a pot in the backyard. My mother-in-law suggested I paint and decorate it with ribbon as a monument to my 100th kill.

I don't know where the Hall of Fame for Domestic Dysfunction is located, but I’m sure that while on the way there, husband'll get lost (no sense of direction) and I’ll refuse to ask for directions (just plain no sense). I’m willing to bet there are dysfunctional categories for those, too!

9 Comments:

  • Hi Molly, thanks for coming by my blog and leaving a comment...i appreciate it a lot. i will have to look and read all over your blog..seems interesting. We are the simple everyday people get a chance to be read and heard and publish without any strings attached, i love blogging...thanks again and i will add your blog to my favorites so i will be a frequent visitor.

    By Blogger Summer, at 7:47 AM  

  • You know what you might have won but I believe we are the runner up. I love this post ...I relate to it so well.

    Hope you have a great week. :)

    By Blogger Ms. Vickie, at 9:59 AM  

  • Thanks for visiting my site Molly. I love your writing. Todays post was so funny. Quite a contrast from yesterdays solomn venture, which I also enjoyed reading. You have a lot of talent. Vickie is right. Walker is a fabulous person.
    I too have my faith, it has carried me through many a difficult time.
    I am also a nurse (LPN). Sometimes a little word of prayer can bring peace to frightened patients. Wonderful story.

    By Blogger oopseedaisee, at 12:38 PM  

  • Driving to pick up Chinese food or pizza counts as "making dinner" in my house ....

    I think we could give you some stiff competition.

    By Blogger jo(e), at 12:58 PM  

  • I, too, have the black thums, so I hear you, sister! I have killed many cacti, as well as air ferns and aloe plants. And people say those plants are indestructible! I say just let me loose in a patch of kudzu, and I'll kill it off in record time.

    My husband's only nomination in the DDHoF is that he is *completely* incapable of placing a new roll of toilet paper on the holder. Most of the time, all this necessitates is agnling your body slightly to the right and *picking up a new roll* and placing it in the dispenser. I can't tell you how long I've waited for him to do that. I'd probably have a heart attack were he to do so after all this time.

    By Blogger KLee, at 1:49 PM  

  • I cannot nominate my husband, "Mr. Mary Poppins" for he is very nearly perfect in every way! You can drop him into any city in the USA and he will find the right route out of town in a flash! I, on the other hand, will get lost if you spin me around three times in the backyard. However, pull up a toadstool in my garden and I'll hose us down with a fungicide. We can grow black thumbs together.

    By Blogger Kacey, at 7:07 PM  

  • hahaha~ OMG, are we related?? That poem was totally about us,my hubster and I. there just isnt enough time in the day to do it all...

    By Anonymous Heather, at 8:22 PM  

  • I snorted. LOL Can I win the award for Toilet Paper Roll replacement? Hubster *claims* I never do it. I do it just fine when he isn't around. Or at least, that's my story.

    By Blogger momofalltrades, at 9:07 PM  

  • Thanks to all of you for sharing your own adventures in domestic dysfunction. I think it's very brave of you. See you all at the induction ceremony!

    By Blogger molly, at 9:46 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home