Domestic Dysfunction

My husband and I have been nominated for induction into the Domestically Dysfunctional Hall of Fame. To celebrate this event, I’ve written a little poem:

Your house is a mess,
The neighbors protest!

Your lawn’s out of shape
They stare, point and gape.

Your garage needs a cleaning,
Take a look, get our meaning!

Elected to the Hall of Shame,
Your names they will proclaim!


We’ve spent 21 years working hard to earn this honor. We’ve been nominated in a number of categories.

Household Appliances
Husband has been nominated in the category of household appliances, specifically for his lack of knowledge that we have any. He doesn’t know that we have a dishwasher, as evidenced by the dirty dishes, cups, glasses, silverware, etc., I keep finding in the sink after he uses them. The dishwasher is located right next to the kitchen sink, a standard arrangement as far as I can tell, but he still hasn’t found it, and we’ve lived in this particular house for 19 years. He couldn’t find the dishwasher in our last home either. It was in the same place, right next to the kitchen sink. Maybe I should have it moved so it would be easier for him to spot.
I’d say that he also cannot find the washing machine, but I know this to be untrue. It’s right next to his brand new gas-powered boiler. What he cannot find is the button that turns the washing machine on. Or maybe he cannot find the laundry detergent. Or maybe he cannot find the fabric softener. Or maybe he cannot find the bleach. Or maybe he cannot find any of his dirty clothes that he threw in the dirty clothes hamper!!! I know you're thinking that I should be glad he's at least not throwing his dirty clothes on the floor, and you're right, but all-in-all, wouldn't you agree that this is a well-deserved nomination?

Culinary Arts
I have been nominated for my contributions to the culinary arts. For years my contributions in this area consisted of, but were not necessarily limited to, speed-dialing every restaurant in a 5 mile radius of our home (sometimes I went out of my way and dialed long distance). There are many, many restaurants near my home. We have Chinese restaurants, Italian restaurants, Mexican restaurants, Jewish delicatessens, seafood restaurants, steakhouses and diners, all within delivery distance. For years I was able to feed my family on ‘Dial-Up’ and without dirtying a single pot. I never told husband, however. To this day not only does he think I make a mean Arroz con Pollo, but he’d be willing to bet that my Veal Marsala compares with that of some of the finest Italian restaurants around. And he’d be right.

Horticulture
This nomination came as a result of considerable effort. We have many lovely plants in our home, all of them silk. That’s because I’ve managed to kill all the live ones, including the plants that are practically kill-proof, like cactus and lucky bamboo and chia pets. My black thumb has become a point of pride for me. Anytime my husband’s been ill and hospitalized, and unfortunately those times have been plenty, I just wait for the get well plants to come rolling in. Husband and the kids make bets on just how long it will take till the leaves start to wither and turn brown, and I try to hide the dead carcass on the back patio. My greatest success so far has been the dead indoor tree. I babied it and nursed it until it gave up its last leaf. Now it sits with its bare, dead branches in a pot in the backyard. My mother-in-law suggested I paint and decorate it with ribbon as a monument to my 100th kill.

I don't know where the Hall of Fame for Domestic Dysfunction is located, but I’m sure that while on the way there, husband'll get lost (no sense of direction) and I’ll refuse to ask for directions (just plain no sense). I’m willing to bet there are dysfunctional categories for those, too!