Den of Iniquity

When we renovated our house, we re-did the basement so that our then 15 yr. old, Lizzie, could live in it and use it as her own (sort-of) apartment. It had it's own entrance via the side door, bathroom complete with shower, bedroom and living room. We furnished the bedroom, and in the living room put a tv with cable, dvd player and new stereo along with some large pillows and bean bag chairs for seating. I wanted Lizzie to have the privacy that I thought every teen coveted (I'd coveted it when I was a teen). I wanted her to feel comfortable inviting her friends over to chill in our basement (see, I'm down, I know the lingo!). In other words, I wanted to know where she was and what she was doing at all times. Really, it wasn't for her, it was for ME! I know that now. My reasoning was that if she's in my house, under my roof, she couldn't possibly get into trouble, could she?

Apologies to Lizzie, 'cause I know she's going to complain that I've gotten the facts wrong, but this is how I remember it.

There was a gathering in my basement. Not a party, just a gathering. Must have been 15 or so teenagers, from 13 up to 17 years of age. It smelled just like a locker room down there. Being the cool parent that I am, and trusting my daughter implicitly as I did, I checked on them once, and left them to their devices. They were in and out of the house till all hours of the morning, but I went to sleep. I knew all these kids, I wasn't worried. I was an idiot. What was I thinking!!!!

Somehow the next day, I found out there had been drinking going on. Horrors! Drinking of alcohol! Not my alcohol! I don't have any alcohol, but after learning about this, I sure needed some! The kids had brought their own beer in (right, I'm with you, where'd they get it from?). I tried explaining to Liz about how it was my house and I was reponsible for what went on in it, but she didn't get it. She told me that it was OK that they were drinking in the house, as long as she, Liz, didn't participate. Furthermore, she didn't even go with them to the park when they went out to get high. OMG!!! Was she kidding!!! Now I definitely needed a beer so I could wash down a Xanax! All this in my house while I so innocently and trustingly left my daughter in charge and went to sleep! We went back and forth, but she didn't get it, and I had to ground her for life + 20 years and ban certain individuals from the premises, FROM THAT MOMENT ON AND FOREVER!!!

Things cooled down, even though Lizzie still didn't understand why she should be held responsible for what went on in her home, and life went on as usual. A few weeks went by and I received my cable bill. It was a little higher than normal. I perused the bill and came to the very bottom, an itemized list of extra charges, and there it was. Three Adult Channel movie rentals, all with the same date as the now infamous drug and alcohol fest. How did I know these x-rated charges weren't mine and my husband's you ask? Because we don't rent our porn from that particular station. Apparently, I had hosted a full-fledged basement bacchanalia. Two xanax and a bottle of white zinfandel later, I was ready to deal. To Lizzie, this was again, "NO BIG DEAL, MOM." After all, it was so in-the-past, like 3 weeks ago, ancient history.

Tears were shed and grounding was extended for another life + 20 year stretch, sentences to run consecutively, not concurrently. Friends were again banned and when they were allowed back in, I made sure to check on them frequently, oh you can bet I did. Did Liz finally get the point? I'm not sure she did. Teenagers are an unknowable, inscrutable and illogical law unto themselves. But I learned something invaluable. Always keep a bottle of wine and a good tranquilizer safely hidden, but within easy reach. You never know when you'll need them.